Wednesday, September 12, 2007

That's So Not Fair...

The prior TIA/mini-strokes that I've had were very small and hardly noticed by me much less anyone else. They were okay but the larger one I had on Sunday that sent me to the ER (larger mini-stroke not a regular one) seems to have affected my kids in a way that not even cancer was able to and it's breaking my heart.

Sis is stuck to me like glue now. She's in a constant state of worry and nothing I say makes her relax any. If I go out of this house she calls my cell phone several times to make sure I'm alright. If I'm in a room she has to be close by. She won't even plan anything for her 13th birthday besides spending the day with me/the family. Your 13th birthday is special or at least it should be.
It's sweet and I've talked to her about things and let her know that it's my job to worry about her not the other way around but it doesn't seem matter. :(

MonkeyBoy is pretty bad too. Every time I leave the house and come back he gives me a hug and tells me he thought I died and even gets pretty graphic about the details which I have no clue where he could get it because he watches Noggin and such. ??? In fact, what made me write this post is the fact that MonkeyBoy brought me a picture a few minutes ago. A picture of tall Mommy and her little boy. Do you know WHY he made it for me? His exact words were "If I die you can look at this and still remember and love me". *crying* He's FOUR for crying out loud!! *He also just said to me that if I die he wants to die too so I won't be alone. Yeah, I'm bawling.*

This makes my heart ache so much because they are my babies and I've always tried to keep this kind of stuff away from them. They know my chances of some things are higher than normal but I've always done fairly well convincing them I'll be fine. This time I can't and I don't know if it's because it's just not processing for them... or if it's because I don't really believe Mommy will be okay myself.

Anyway- sorry for the bummer post but I needed to do it just to get it out. I've talked to the kids about death this week and let them know that this body is just skin and bones, it's my heart and what's inside that holds the intense love for them. Even if my body isn't here, I will always be close by and I will live as long as they live because they will keep me alive in their hearts.

Yeah, that is sooooooo not working at this point! Ugh.

*********IMPORTANT EDIT***********

There is a blog I visit regularly called Hope For Holly. The blog is kept mostly by the husband, Scott, and has documented his wife, Holly's, life since being diagnosed with Stage III Colon Cancer in January of this year.

I just went to the blog to catch up and found this post- "Head Shaving Weekend"

Please visit and watch the video. You will be awed, humbled, and definitely grab the Kleenex. This woman is so amazing. Thank you.

19 comments:

Madame M. said...

***HUGS***

There is nothing I can say, other than pointing out that your kids sound like amazing, gracious and loving young people. Good for you, momma.

Jill said...

(((((Jo)))))

It really isn't fair.

David said...

I am sorry to hear that Jo. I'll pray for my favorite heathens; you have to know we will;) regardless of your heathenish ways!

JaniceNW said...

I LOVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU! I'll call again Thursday!

Jessie said...

I think that the wonderful things that you are saying to them is what they will remember the most. You will live forever because they will always remember you for the great mother that you ARE.

momof3feistykids said...

(((((JO))))) Yes it is bloody unfair. I am always thinking about you, sweetie.

Elizabeth said...

Oh, JO, honey. Your kids just love you so much, you probably really can't keep it away from them. I'm sending positive loving vibes to all of you!

Marsha said...

I send hugs too. It really isn't fair.

Jo said...

Thank you all so much.

Janice- I'm sorry I missed your call hun. I'll definately talk to you today!

Heather said...

((((HUGS))))) Jo. Does it help that talking about death is a stage that most kids go through? Erik has, too, and he has no reasons to be worried about it. I'm sorry that your little one is scared. I wish I could take it all away for you.

Katie said...

I love you Jo. ((hugs))

Marye said...

::Hugs to you:::::

Angela Klocke said...

No, it's NOT fair... :( (((HUGS)))

Terri@SteelMagnolia said...

Wow.. I found your blog via David's...

I feel so sad... I simply could not imagine what you are going thru.

I will be back.

Hugs and God bless

Summer said...

Oh, I'm bawling too. (((HUGS))) It isn't fair at all, for none of you.

jenny-up the hill said...

I'm so so so sorry you are having to go through all of this...I know the heartache when it comes to the kiddos. It's gut wrenching to think about what they are thinking and fearing...I know because my kids watched Gus die. My prayers are with each of you...prayers for your sweeties but also for your healing.

Sniff, sniff...great, now you've gone and made me cry and my makeup was looking so good today...you dirtbag! lol!!

Sugar Queens Dream said...

Jo, I think you're pretty amazing... I am humbled by your courage and your smiles.... I have faced the deaths of 2 of my Children and that gave me a hard cold look at real life and what we never imagine will happen to us, but the kind of strength you have puts me in awe. A woman told me yesterday that I was super woman because of the fact I had dealt with so many down falls and hurt in life but I think You are a real super woman.....
Peace!

Christy said...

Jo, it's weird, I came online to check my email and I somehow ended up at this post, and I honestly don't know how.

This is absolutely heartbreaking to read, and I wish I could say something amazing to make you feel better, but I wouldn't know where to start.

I will definitely pray for you and your family, I'm no religious nut but I do believe in the power of prayer, and if you ever need me, just email me, I'm always around.

((Hugs)) and take care!

mlankton said...

I can't even read your blog. I lost my Dad to cancer, and I had a scare with my heart earlier this year. I have a two year old son who I love more than anything, and I want to be there to see him grow up. I'm not in any danger now as far as I know, but just the thought of it and I couldn't even think straight thinking about my baby.
Make every moment count, take joy in your wonderful children, and don't let it beat you.