Sunday, May 28, 2006

If I Get The Choice...

to sit it out or dance...it's time to dance. Also known as it's time for me to get off my dead ass and start living my life. I'm finally giving myself the final okay to really live.

After a recent doctor's appointment and my test results, I know that I'm never going to get better. It honestly all goes downhill from here BUT that doesn't mean I can't enjoy the ride! At worst I have 3 years left to live. At best I have around 20. Personally, I'm begging for 15 and considering anything over that a gift. Anything less will just leave me one pissed off dead person so the Fates are warned. :) Starting today I am going to live as if any day could be the last.

I'm going to love deeper, speak sweeter, and laugh more. I now accept that the chronic pain will never go away. I now accept that the cancer will one day be worse but I don't accept not really living my life. When I look back over my last 31 years there are more regrets than good memories and I just can't do that to myself or my kids anymore. There needs to be more memories, fun, and laughter in this house. Anyone that gets in the way of that will no longer be in my life (kids not included obviously).

I will no longer be afraid of the unknown. I'd rather be poor and happy than middle class and miserable. My oldest son called me The Survivor in a post he once did but before you can survive you have to really live. My whole life has been spent letting everyone else tell me what I'm suppose to do. Now it's my turn to be in charge of my own life. The kid gloves come off today.

I think I've spent the last 10 years of my life thinking that everything could just wait until I turn 40. Like that is some magic number and suddenly I will be able to live my life how I've always wanted. I may never reach 40 so then what? Will I have spent my whole life waiting for something that will never come? I just can't do it anymore. I want memories now. I want to feel proud now. I want to show my children what life is really about- living and not regretting.

A few years ago, the one thing I wanted before I died was to be remembered. I wanted to be some great published author or world traveler. I wanted to make sure that I wouldn't be some forgotten person that nobody would ever remember. I was so wrapped up in having that dream (even though I really wasn't doing anything to acheive it) that I missed what really mattered and that is...

To all but three people I am really no one. To those three people I am everyone. It is time for them to become my everyone to. They have always been my heart and the very center of my being but I still chose badly for my own wants and benefit leaving theirs out. Now only three things matter to me- wrapping my children in love that will last them all of their lives, helping them to have happiness in life that I've never had, and leaving no regrets when I close my eyes for the last time. All else small potatoes.

12 comments:

Steph said...

This is so very beautiful. :-) You amaze me - with both your approach to life and illness and with your writing gift. http://momof3feistykids.homeschooljournal.net/

Almost Lazarus said...

You know, I've been given that "6 months to one year" thing twice now. You never really know what's going to happen. Like my kids tell me, a bus could run you over tomorrow (not likely out here, no buses). Hang in there.

Meg L. said...

Great attitude.

I know I've told you before, but there are so many things that could come out of the blue and get you. You can't spend all your time dreading the one thing that you know about. Your kids have a great mom.

Mom of All Seasons said...

So true. Little really matters to me outside of love from my husband and son. It doesn't really matter what else we do, what other think, or from where the furniture or clothes came.

Blake said...

Atta' girl

Jo said...

Thank you all and Blake, I've seen that you have been reading. Thanks for caring dear.

Evil Missy said...

Oh, I missed you! You have the best posts! Hang in there and know we are all pulling for ya girl!


new blog addy: www.evilmissyrants.blogspot.com

contemplator said...

Good girl. You are so inspiring. We could all be in perfect health and step in front of a taxi cab tomorrow, so if you gotta go, go with a smile! (And out with a bang.) Keep your chin up.

Robin said...

You so rock, Jo. I've been remiss in keeping in touch, but you are never far from my thoughts.

*smooches* to you, my Amamzonian sistah.

Cheryl said...

Jo - that's beautiful - hang in there.

Trish said...

What a beautiful and moving post.
I believe from reading that in your essence you are already doing these things for your three people and will only continue to enrich their lives as only you can do.
I enjoyed visiting your blog, by the way. Great writing and pictures.

Polina said...

You know, you are very brave and strong person. Millions of people who are healthy, having family, good income etc. don't feel a taste of life, they just exist, not live their lives. My sincere thanks and respect to you.